Thursday, October 1, 2009

Top 5 Video Games Hollywood Should Not Touch

Movie studio execs have this theory that fans of a proven franchise would love the big screen versions,no matter how crappily made.For example Twilight and a variety of children's novels.But no other form of entertainment has suffered the Hollywood treatment more than video games.Each time a movie based on a video game is released,critics and fans alike would band together to chastise it.And for good reason.Video game-based movies are synonymous with the words immature plot,campy acting and bad production values.And it pains me each time Uwe Boll and Brett Batner take a favourite series and ruin it.Below are the top 5 video games slated to receive movie versions in the near future.Wake me up when the greedy studio execs roll over and die.

#5. The Sims

This is probably the shocker of the lot.How do you write a script based on a simulation game with no plot at all?Apparently this is not a problem for 20th Century Fox,who have tasked John Davis to produce the movie.It should be noted that John was responsible for the critical flops Norbit and Eragon.And they say you need talent to survive in Lalaland.

#4. The Prince of Persia

It's no secret that Hollywood despises having Asians play leading roles in movies,eventhough the protagonists in the original series are from the region.They do not care if Goku or Kyo Kusanagi is Japanese,what matters to them is their unwavering view that Asians are incapable of saving the world.Even Disney have indirectly supported this notion through its casting for the Prince of Persia movie.Jake Gyllenhaal,Gemma Arterton,Sir Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina make up the main characters of the movie to be released in 2010.To make matters worse,the storyline has been leaked to the internet,revealing the events and endings.The only saving grace may be the fact that Jerry Bruckheimer is helming the movie,producer of the mega hit pirates of the Caribbean.Fans are hoping that the Sands of Tme do exist,in order to turn back the clock on this ill-fated idea.
Does he look Persian to you?!

#3. God of War

According to Hollywood,there is no such thing as a ripped Albino.Therefore,Universal Studio's choice of Kratos is Djimon Honsou.You know,the Afican slave guy who was friends with Russell Crowe in Gladiator.Brett Ratner was originally supposed to direct the movie adaptation but has since dropped out,much to the cheers of fans everywhere.But the movie script still exists and until it is shelved for good,the forums will still be ablaze with fans lambasting the idea.If Zack Snyder could use CGI to turn Billy Crudup into the blue Dr Manhattan in Watchmen,surely the next choice of director would use the same method for Djimon?Although he can save more money if he'd just picked an actual Albino.

#2. Grand Theft Auto

Never mind the fact that the GTA series has consistently come up with storylines,characters and voice acting of the highest quality,adults would forever associate it to excessive violence and Hot Coffee.For shame.The plots centering around the protagonists rival even the best mob films by Martin Scorsese and Brian DePalma.In the hands of a Hollywood director however,the movie version would just be a run of the mill action flick with racial stereotypes,foul language and unrealistic gunfights played out to the max.Thankfully,the men behind Rockstar Games have the senses to reject every offer that had come their way.Which begs to question,for how long more before they cave in?

#1. Shadow of Colossus

It is a shame that SoC never received the same type of attention that other so-called triple A games had.When it was released,gamers and critics were entranced by the stunning visuals,haunting soundtrack and original gameplay Team Ico incorporated into their masterpiece.SoC tells a story of tragic love and loss,all of which would be lost to a typical Hollywood producer.Namely Kevin Misher,who produced the horrible Scorpion King.To add salt to the injury,the script is being written by Justin Marks,who wrote Street Fighter:The Legend Of Chun Li.A saviour comes in the form of Fumito Ueda,the game's creator,who will involved in the movie's production.But knowing Hollywood and Asians,his opinions would be ignored.

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