Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Life Will Be Good From Now

Yay! My right eye has recovered! After shitloads of tears from depression last night, I think I am cured. Next time someone has pain in the eye upon eye movement, ask them to try crying. Maybe it'll work for them too. Lol~

Anyway, I know I'm supposed to blog about Mc's, but I have this urge to write about my newfound positivity.

I have found closure. Some of you know I've been through a really rough patch in my relationship about half a year ago. And then I let go, like most of you have advised me to. I thought I did anyway, because after my motorcycle accident he came back into my life and then began this excruciating journey of moving on, and being pulled back, and deciding to just let go, and him telling me he wants it all back and he made a mistake and he wants to take care of me from now on...yada yada....until he told me this: he got into SQ Cabin Crew.

Wow. Great. No, I'm not the least bit excited for him. Not to mention he is the third consecutive partner of mine to actually try for and get into SQ. What the hell? I can be SQ's HR already. Silver's bf ah? Oh sure pass and get in one. -.-"

I know what SQ is like, and to tell you the truth, I have not known a single steward who has not slept around or betrayed their partners. Okay, maybe except only one or two. I know one steward who went to Amsterdam with me and bought fresh tulips back to Singapore to surprise his then girlfriend. (He's single now btw...dunno why.)  Saying this may cause some mayhem and some wives or girlfriends of the stewards who know me may be heartbroken, but I speak the truth. Well, maybe some of the stewards whom I do not know so well, like those I've done one or two flights with, are faithful, loving, and loyal. Maybe I've seen too much. Maybe I'm jaded. After all, the first SQ ex-bf cheated on me during his first month of training. *shrugs* Maybe I shouldn't have known so much. But sadly, I do. And when we were together and he mentioned he wanted to go, more than once I have cried and begged him not to. Seriously. I mean it when I say I have seen too much.

Sure, the lifestyle is great. The money? Woohoo~ Just for flying 14 hours to London, sleeping and shopping for 2 days there, and flying another 14 hours back? (2 days' work, mind you), I get paid close to S$1000. Pretty good deal huh? So what made me give it all up?

1. The bitching. Of course, this is secondary, but when you have a name like "Silver Ang", it's hard not to become topic, whatever you do, good or bad, or meh~ You really think you'll work 14 hours non-stop? Nope, 8 hours working perhaps, 3 hours crew rest (sleeping onboard), and 3 hours? Gossiping. I got used to it though, hey, to become a topic in which every single flight you do, someone has heard something about you? That's something. Lol~

2. No more meaning in "travelling and seeing the world". At first, it's all exciting. Like, everything is new. My first time in Europe, setting foot on famous lands like London and Paris which I've only seen or heard about through media, shopping in all these fabulous countries, being able to afford my first Miu Miu and LV handbag, and even seeing my first snow (I'm blessed to have seen it with a close friend I've made - Garry, once my leading steward. No we didn't sleep together - he's gay, and other than being a great mentor to me, was really fun to be with.) 

Then after a while you realize that every single flight you do, is a different set of people. Nope, there's no more such thing as team flying, where the same group will always fly together. Every flight begins with a firm handshake and a "Hi, Silver. Nice to meet you". x 17, or 22(A380 has 23 crew). I look back at photos I took with crew I went out with to some famous place and I was like "Who's this ah? What's her name?" when in the photo we were all like super close. Facade. I see all the wonders of the world and I feel empty. Like I should be seeing all these with someone I love, or at least, with a friend, or a family member. Every time I was somewhere, I'd feel "I wish XXX was here", until it got a bit dreary, and I kinda stopped sightseeing and travelling and just stayed in my room from checkin to checkout, except for meals. (Until my last month of flying when I went out exploring for every single flight I did.)

Maybe I have seen the world, and that's why I am saying this. But it lost its excitement appeal after a while for me. Call me a romantic, but seeing the world alone has no meaning when one is attached. Just a lot of regrets and "I wish you were here"s, and after a while, your other half will feel left out of your newfound life, and it becomes all too difficult. I know, I've been there. And my other half was also flying, mind you.

3. Yup, the money was great, easy money. Getting paid to travel? And while you are outstation, eating and sleeping? You're getting paid every 8 hours. How fantastic is that?

I wanted something more in life than just, well, money I guess. Sure, money can bring me places, buy me nice food, branded bags, anything I want without really having to think about whether I can afford it because most times I can. But when I had it, I realized there was something more I wanted to do with my life - going after and accomplishing my dreams and goals. Of course I enjoyed flying and the job itself. I loved interaction with the passengers, and did my work with pride. I am proud to say that without instigating, I always had about 20 compliment letters a year. During my last month of flying, almost every single flight I did had a passenger write me a compliment letter to the company. I really loved the job, but entertainment line is something that won't wait for you. And that was something I felt I didn't try hard enough in. SQ? I gave my 100% already.

Okay anyway, my point is not to talk about why I left so I've sidetracked too much. My point is, he told me he got into SQ and I told him he has just ruined every single last bit of chance he had with me. I could not trust him not to betray me again. (He said he will not and that he will only want to be with me.) SQ? Every single crew will get their own hotel room, hello? Who are we kidding that nothing will happen should he get closer to some girl he feels something for and she feels the same? Self-discipline? Maybe, maybe. But I wouldn't count on it.

And then my f-up brain went on to actually consider what he said. Yeah I'm too soft-hearted, we all know that by now. I actually hoped, even for a little bit, that he meant what he said. Because though he was kinda screwed-up at being faithful, he was someone who made me genuinely happy too. I don't wish to be with someone else and then still think about him. I want completeness. I want to completely be able to give who I am with 100% of me, and not be with someone yet wonder if it's still possible with another. I don't want to marry and then think about what-ifs. I don't wish to regret or live my life pondering upon what-could-have-beens. So I talked to him about it 2 weeks later. It's about time I get a definite answer.

He said "Let's not rush into things. I don't want to disappoint you."


Oh? Wait, does that mean he's changed his mind again, already? (2 weeks???)

"You can't promise me that you won't disappoint me? You have no confidence that you will not cheat?"
"You said you were ready."
"Now I'm not. I don't want to promise you anything and then disappoint you or myself again."

This was a moment of disappointment, and hurt, and anger, and feeling cheated, all over again. What the hell was I thinking? His statement-validity hardly lasts too long, and I'm running into what I already know was a wall, except that this time I was hoping it was a styrofoam wall this time. So what? If we actually did get back together and he proposed because he thought he was ready, he might actually change his mind months into the proposal? This was scary shit.

I'm walking away from you. No, I cannot afford to love you now. Or perhaps ever again. Because you might always be like this. And I deserve more from you. I deserve what you wish you could give me, but what your willpower will fail you to. I deserve someone who will always be there to love me, no matter what.

And with that, my heart is no longer torn, or confused. I wanted to know if what you promised me for the past few months was still going to be valid. I have my answer, which is that you no longer wish to hold them valid. Or will not "promise" to be faithful. My fears of you not meaning what you say for very long has been realized, or rather, affirmed. A relationship does not just happen. It actually takes a lot more work than you think you know.

Enjoy your flying days. I'm sure you will have a blast. Yes, singlehood suits the airline very very well. Do what you please, please who you choose. Enjoy life. Hurt no one. I hope you grow in the airline, and be someone you can be proud of. =)

You guys have no idea how many days or weeks go into finding closure, and when one has finally found it, you know that nothing is holding you back anymore. 

Something a special someone sent me today on Whatsapp, about my horoscope, and I find this really amazing:

"Something is getting under your skin. Maybe it's that you've worked really hard for a better life in some way, and it continues to elude you. Maybe it's that someone in your world is causing unnecessary friction over a non-issue. Maybe it's that too much is expected of you in your work environment, and you're not properly respected or compensated for it. But whatever it is, it's nagging at you. While you may not be able to immediately resolve this issue, Moonchild, you don't have to suffer from it either. Your life is slowly but surely getting better. Allow yourself to see the better times that you can probably sense are coming soon."

It's scary how true every single statement is of my life in that small paragraph. Hit every nail. I have been so depressed, so down, so edgy, so grouchy, moody, irritable, and generally not very pleasant to hang around with for weeks. And it looks like, yes, things are getting better. It's even stated in my horoscope. So the stars will help me. \^.^/

Life's only gonna get better.
I can move on. I can smile. I may be able to start laughing again. I can resume growing (god knows how long I have been stuck in my pithole since the day you walked out on me). I can concentrate on becoming a better me. I can love, and be fair to who loves me. (Thank you J, for being around and giving me support when I need it the most. =D)
And most importantly, I can be happy. \^.^/

Silver 回来咯! 这次我真的回来了。为梦想而前进,为事业而努力,为爱情而美丽。是的,更漂亮绚丽的子惠近在咫尺,你们准备好了吗?


P.s. On a good note, today marks the 5th complete year of my having joined Singapore Airlines on the 22th September 2006!!!!!

My batchmates who are still flying (and if I had stayed on) will be taking their gratuities of more than 10k each! I expect plenty of smiling faces later on. ;)  I'm meeting them tonight for our 5th anniversary dinner!!! And maybe tomorrow too! No crew as my significant other, please, but as friends, these guys from Batch 889 (most of them) are awesome!!! TTM!

And to Denzel, Jean, Bryan, Yvonne, Azmi, Roanna, Venus, you guys are the BEST thing that ever happened to me in SQ!!! Love you all very very very very much and may more people join me on my side as....EX-CREW!!! LOLOL!!! Of course, Syl-lyn my buddy!!! I did my very first flight with you, you'll always be that special little girl who did my SNYs with me and who has really evolved into a swan. Jeff, always the organizer, planner, the do-er who keeps the batch together. Thank you so much for all you have done for us. 889 is so close partly because of you, know that. *wink* Eleanor, I know we hardly get to hang out because of your business and your work, and I do hope we get more chances to know each other better, but I am proud of the businesswoman in our batch, soon to become really successful. Julian, the short Daniel Wu in SQ (lol~), you're the very first person I spoke to in 889, as we did our first assignment of "self-introducing and finding out as much about the person beside you". Thank you for being the life of the batch. Melvyn, u ass. I only really started chatting to you after I left the airline 2 years ago, and though we aren't exactly soul-mates and you have this habit of acting too cool in real life, you were surprisingly easy to talk to. You'd better come tonight hor! And Jasmine too! You are the most refreshing Ah Lian I have met. LOL! The rest of you I didn't mention? Well, though we're not exactly that close cos fate hasn't arranged for that to happen somehow (yet), I thank you for making my training days so special and uniquely 889. And no, Cecillia, I don't hate you, even though I've been kinda badly injured from all that daggering at the back so I can have every right to, I'll let it go. Closure is good. Lol~  I'm sure you're not that bad a person deep inside. Be positive more, and bitch less about people, think good about them instead, and you'll find the world a much prettier place. =)

889, see you guys at the gathering tonight!!!

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