Susan Boyle-wed Over In Final

Yes,I am aware it is a lame heading.And no,I am not a fan of Susan Boyle.She recently lost the final of Britain's Got Talent to a bunch of actually talented young street dancers and came in second place.Also noteworthy was the second runner up,the saxophonist Julian Smith.In contrast to other people around the world,I do not like this woman who hails from the tiny town of Blackburn,Scotland.Not because of trivial things like her appearance or her origins.No.I just think that singing is not the greatest talent in the world.I have a major gripe with talent shows that crown singers instead of more deserving people like musicians,daredevil dancers and illusionists.These people have been practicing and honing their craft for ages.You can't be a great b-boy in a week.Singers on the other hand are born with it.And they are far less entertaining.You may have searched Susan Boyle online but I bet most people just left the sound on and switched tabs.The same can be said for any singer today.In the videos,it's the backup dancers or actors who keep you glued to the screen.And most singers leave the choreographing to the producers.You think they actually know and prepared the moves themselves?Singing belongs and should stay in singing competitions.I have no problem with American Idol and I will not criticise the show(in fact,I kinda like Adam Lambert's flamboyance). But if you think Susan Boyle will fade away after this competition you are far wrong.Apparently,Simon Cowell is very interested in producing her debut album and is planning a movie and book about her life.I'm gonna go hide in a cave now.Send for me when she's back in Blackburn singing in the church choir.

Ch...Ch..Chuck This Out!

When Guitar Hero was first released,DJs all over the world made fun of the actual guitar players for having their passion reduced to nothing more than an easy rhythm game.Now karma has struck.Activision,the publisher of the Guitar Hero franchise will release DJ Hero sometime this year.There will also be an exclusive controller for the game just like the fake guitars for Guitar Hero.Based on the screenshot above,gameplay is pretty much the same:mashing buttons according to the glowy things on the screen.The trailer doesn't help matters either,with a remixed version of 'Hollaback Girl' playing in the background.Though many may doubt its success,it will find a niche audience in the mainstream audience that gaming is exposed to now.Me?Wait for the port on the PS2lah.

PS:What the heck is a hollaback girl anyway?

One More Reason To Stay At Home

Those lucky bastards in Japan.Not only do they have vending machines offering items from market produce to bicycles,Wii owners are able to order food online from the Wii Channel,its online portal.Categories include pizza,sushi,bento boxes,Chinese food,Western food and others.Pizza Hut undoubtedly falls in the pizza category while strangely KFC is found under others.Instead of paying for the deliveries using the Wii points,owners pay the deliverymen upon arrival at their doorstep.The company in charge of deliveries even plan on offering coupons to cut the prices of meals.If Japan can send aid to the less fortunate countries of the world,can't they send aid to the less fortunate gamers of the world,especially Malaysia?

The NES Quotes You Should Know

Gamers do have a social life,despite what the mass media tells you.They constantly make,and maintain,new relationships with people all over the world while playing MMOs or on online multiplayer servers.While normal folks open their conversations with the usual boring hellos,gamers have a different weapon at their disposal:their expansive knowledge of pop culture.Fire a popular quote from any old cult movie or vid game and if the other person replies with another,then you have found a new buddy.Here are the eight most unforgettable quotes from the timeless NES,the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Pro Wrestling.This is what happens when Japanese companies hire crappy translators to localise their games in the American market.And their mistakes bear gems like this,where it is still used by many gamers today.
Super Mario Bros.Ahh,how could any self proclaimed gamer forget this?Many a Gameboy and NES joypad was thrown across the room when this little baby popped up on screen.I wonder what Bowser did to the Princess while we were searching for her ass...?

Friday the 13th.Back in the day,there weren't any cheat codes.So we had to play this hard game using only our quick reflexes and determination to see the ending,which is this.Thanks a fucking bunch!

Monster Party.Monster Party had lots of strange but hilarious boss conversations,but this takes the cake.

Bionic Commando. In the 1st game,there were these neutral zones between levels where you could stock up on stuff and talk to the peacekeepers,like this guy.I bet he's pissed he didn't have a cool arm like Rad Spencer's.

Final Fantasy.Again another example of Japanese games poorly translated for the American market.This was before Square Enix became the powerhouse they are today.

Legend of Zelda 2:Link's Adventure.The game is set in a sort of medieval English period,so Nintendo tried to come up with medieval English names for their characters.While the rest were alright,they failed epicly with this one.

Punch-Out!.Nintendo's most racist game,where you punch your way past racial stereotypes to become the World Champion.Before a fight,the player would be greeted by a screen like this one where your opponent was introduced.Many outrageous quotes were spewed by them but this one is just WRONG.

So there you have it.Eight classic NES quotes that will no doubt improve your self-esteem and PR skills!Go on,try them out.

Disclaimer:The author does not bear any responsibility if the advice given in this column was not fruitful and people start avoiding you.

Hollywood Making Another Vid Game Movie For Fans To Hate

Tristan Toh was sadden today to know that an increasing number of vid game creators would gladly answer the door when Hollywood comes a-knocking.The latest would be SNK Playmore,which sold the movie licence for their hit fighting game,King of Fighters.Below is some of the notable cast members and their vid game counterparts.Suitable?You be the judge.

Does Hollywood hate having an Asian play the lead role?For example,look at Dragonball Evolution.And now this.Sean Faris is playing Kyo Kusanagi,the hero of the vid game series.Already,I can hear hundreds of fans lighting their torches.



Will Yun Lee is playing Iori Yagami,the anti-hero of the series.Will is most famous for his roles in Elektra,Torque and the short-lived Bionic Woman.He is also noted for being voted one of People magazine's Sexiest Men.Hey,not all Americans hate Asians...

Would you look at that?TVB princess,Bernice Liu is playing Vice,a recurring character in the series.Her English is actually pretty darn good.Proof?Watch the KOF making-ofs on Youtube.She also claimed to having played all the KOF games,including '93,which does not exist.

In another bid to be a Hollywood superstar,Maggie Q is playing Mai Shiranui,the well endowed ninja and wet dream of many a pubescent boy in the 90s.Will she finally hit the jackpot after playing second rate characters on Die Hard and Balls of Fury(shudder)?Not likely.

Finally,a cast member that every fan would agree on.Ray Park is most famous for playing Darth Maul,the only good thing about Star Wars Ep 1 and for playing Snake Eyes in the upcoming GI Joe movie.He'll be playing Rugal Bernstein,the villain of the movie.

The story?Some lazily written crap about three fighters who get whisked off to different dimensions where they have to fight the native defenders in search of three mystical artifacts which....you know what?Fuck it.

Jumping On The Money Train Et tu, SNK? First it's Street Fighter, now SNK doesn't want to be felt left out of the online circuit. The King Of Fighters Online, the exact title of the upcoming MMO, will be developed by Triple A Games and be on PC, with the beta going live around early next year, 2010. What next, a shooter where Kyo and Athena are flying and shooting in a top-down view? Oh wait....

Shaddap,Foo! Tristan is shocked to discover that Zootfly,who had a hand in the development of the recent Ghostbusters game,will create a series of games based on the Mr T graphic novels.Lost for words,Tristan instead copied and pasted this statement from the website: "The games will feature knuckle-whitening action-adventure, furious brawler combat, gravity-defying platforming, and environmental puzzles. The first game will see Mr. T take on Nazis and their gigantic machines in the varied universe of South American rain forests, lost ancient cities, industrial complexes and contemporary military installations.

Along with Mr. T and other characters from the graphic novel, the game will feature none other than Will Wright. In this universe, Will Wright is not a top-notch game designer but a top-notch American geneticist who was kidnapped and coerced to work on a diabolic plan. Mr. T and Will Wright will join forces to annihilate the Nazis and their hardware."

For your information,Will Wright is the brains behind the Sims line of games.This is a serious contender for Best Tag Team in Any Videogame Ever award.

In other news,what is probably the industry's worst kept secret has been revealed and confirmed by Capcom.There will be a Marvel vs Capcom 2.This arcade favourite will be released on the Playstation Network and XBox Live Arcade*.As always with sequels,there will be some changes and new features to the game,among them:

- The game will be based on the Dreamcast code base. Obviously, it's the best version of the game as it uses the Naomi board to the extreme when compared to the inferior Xbox and PS2 emulations.

- You can fight online. Just like the remake of Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo, MvC2 will use the net code that made matchmaking and fights as lag-free as possible that was used on the Super Turbo Remix. Player match mode, lobby system, leaderboards: the upcoming port will have them.

- There is HD Upscaling. Remember how good MvC2 looked on the VGA cables of the Dreamcast? Well, Backbone will be doing their best to make the 10-year old game look as good as possible.But if you're old school, you are still able to use the "Classic" settings and leave all sprites unfiltered.

- Everyone is unlocked from the get-go. Which means there isn't any replaying bull-crap or saving issues. You want to pick Sentinel, Dan, Shuma-Gorath or one of Tron Bonne's Servobots from the start? Your wish is granted.

- You can turn the music off or use your own custom music from your hard drive.THANK GOD.

All gaming news courtesy of Gameaxis.Check out their awesome site!

*Playstation Network and XBox Live Arcade are the online markets accessible through their consoles which allow them to download games,movies,music and various other apps.

Kawad Daerah Petaling Perdana Competition 2009

The annual District Level Marching Competition was held at the Management and Science University in Shah Alam.Schools from the Petaling area were allowed to send as many contingents as they pleased provided that they contained 31 people.SMK Subang Jaya signed up three contingents namely the scouts,police cadets and red crescents.The school's participants woke up as early as 5 am to train for the competition.At 8 am,all the contingents boarded the bus on their way to MSU.Nerves were expected but did not appear as they talked and sang and tell dirty jokes to each other.30 minutes later,we arrived at the university.The other schools had been there earlier,and were busy showing off their marching skills.The red crescents and scouts of one school even had friendly Haka Dance and booing standoffs.The scouts and fire cadets of a religious boys' boarding school certainly had the competition quaking in their boots after a display of perfect marching.Bryan Lee,an ex-scout of our school,kept asking us if we were scared just to wind us up and concentrate on our own marching.Hours later,the police cadets were the first from our school to march.When they returned with disappointed faces everyone knew they didn't do too well.The commandants were even rounded up by the commandants of the other police cadet contingents for an ear bashing.Next was the red crescents which were represented by all girls including the ones from scouts.Soon,it was my contingent's turn.We were represented by all boys,some roped in from the red crescents.The sun was extremely hot and was making a lot of people sick.However,we still had the energy and determination to complete our march routine.It was not perfect,but the view from where the spectators stood showed no flaws as we were told later.When it was almost 3 pm,all the schools had to gather at the marching grounds for the closing ceremony.The president of the university and its affiliates made a long speech,eventhough he acknowledged the fact we were standing under the burning sun for what seemed like etenity.Finally,the results were announced.The scouts won 3rd place in the NGO boys category,a huge honour considering the fact we haven't won anything at district level for years.Although the red crescents were not in the top three,the commandant Jocelyn Tan won the award for best commandant.Said Tristan Toh who made very few mistakes(honest!):"We actually got 3rd?Seriously?I'm actually gonna get a district level cert?".At 3 pm all the contingents boarded the bus back to school in jubilant mood(except the police cadets of course).For more pics(which aren't that many),visit my Facebook page.

The United States of Pwned

On the 12th of April 2009,371 gamers made history as they played their way into the record books.From the 11th of April,the gamers participated in a 40 hour non-stop LAN part,shattering the previous world record by 4 hours and 71 participants.They had Cyberview Sdn. Bhd., GameGen, and Multimedia Development Corporation to thank for organising this event,and also the Game Developer's Club of Multimedia University for the acquiring of the venue.Entry was free and all the participants had to do were bring their own CPUs and computer accesories.
At the strike of noon on the 11th,the record clock started as the hall shook with the sounds of gunfire,exploding grenades,cheers,jeers and furious tapping of the keyboards.This continued until 2pm the next day.Euphoria swept the hall as everyone was delighted to have been a part of something special.Said Tristan Toh who was not there,"Of course I'm happy!At least we made a record that rivalled the Americans,instead of stupid ones like world's biggest ketupat and world's longest satay line."Although the event was partly organised to showcase AMD's next generation hardware,it did not cloud the overall atmosphere and infectious mood generated by the bodies of over 300 sweaty and fatigued bodies.Here's hoping that the world record would be a good enough excuse when explaining to the boss/wife/girlfriend the reason for being unavailable for 3 days.

Submission to join the BRATS camp

     My name is Tristan Toh Soon King. Having been born in a predominantly Chinese community in Teluk Intan, Perak, it was unusual for me to have an English name as my parents were not Christians. When I was old enough to care about far more important matters than cartoons and toys, I often wondered the reason for my name. I developed a swagger when I thought I was named after a similarly named Knight of the Round Table. I started walking normally again when my mum told me that she just wanted to be different from other mothers in the neighbourhood. 

     

     Both sides of my family are of Hokkien descent, therefore our hardy features and our ability to get easily tanned after a short while under the sun. The male members did not mind as they thought they looked really macho. The same cannot be said for the female members, thus their overwhelming support for the cosmetics industry. However, there were a few downsides to being Hokkien when I was a kid. For one, many a cartoon was interrupted by my grandmother and her sisters who felt it was their civic duty to watch every Hokkien soap available on tv. Although I was raised in such an environment, I am a true blue banana. Until now, the only time I can be found using my very limited grasp of the Chinese dialects is when I am ordering food at Chinese eateries. According to my mum,I never bothered to acknowledge her when she spoke Mandarin to me but I pay full attention when spoken to in English.

     When I was a wee seven years old, my parents had a divorce and my mother took my sister and I to live with her in Subang Jaya. Every weekend, I would visit my dad in Cheras and stay overnight at his place. I was not really affected by them splitting up and moving apart. In fact, I found it exciting to have two homes. However,many teachers blamed the divorce for my being a rebel in my first three years of primary school. I never did my schoolwork and exams, not because I was being a jerk, but because I never found the teachers’ lessons interesting. This changed when I was moved to a better school in SS15. I excelled in my studies and usually placed in the top ten best students in class. But my true expertise laid in the English Language. Since Standard Five, I have never scored less than an A in my English Language exams. My English teachers encouraged me to participate in various essay writing competitions and the yearly editions of The Star’s Best School Newspaper Contest. I also enrolled at British Council and was once considered for the secondary level classes but was deemed too young. As I scored 5 As for my UPSR exams, I was placed in a good class in Form One. 

     Teenagehood was an awkward time for me. While I watch my male friends grow beards and start smoking to attract girls, the only indication that I was going through puberty was my sudden growth spurt. I was not interested in girls and I only started developing a deep voice at fifteen. Because of this, my dad thought I was a poof and regularly made me watch love scenes from movies on tv. It has now been turned into a family joke, retold every birthday or so. Like many teenagers, I had too much free time and often found myself bored. Unlike many teenagers, I used my free time for co-curricular activities. I am an active member in Leo Club and Christian Fellowship as well as holding the post of Den Warden in Scouts and President in English and Debating Society. I am also the Assistant Head of the English Department of my school magazine’s ed board. From ten years old till now, I have never lost interest in pursuing my goal of working in the field of mass media. I enjoy writing and I often write to escape from my problems. When I pen articles or conduct interviews for the school mag, I feel good. It never seemed like work to me. I was always eager to accept any duties from my editor and teacher advisor. Thanks to my presidency of the English and Debating Society, I was given numerous opportunities to organise major events whether in school or out. 

   

     I really hope I am accepted to join the BRATs programme as I feel I need more experience, to do more field work and to practice working under enormous pressure and time constraints. Working in mass media is a dream to me, a dream that I have long set out to achieve. My interests are plenty. I love watching movies, especially gangster flicks. I am constantly on the lookout for original DVDs of my favourites, such as The Godfather, Goodfellas and Infernal Affairs.I also read a lot of Mario Puzo and a variety of other books, no matter what the genre. I even occasionally sneak a few reads off my sister’s romance novels. Therefore, I have a mixed writing style, though I try to gravitate towards humour and cynicism. Dislikes? Plenty. But my main pet hates are Maths, boy bands, decaffeinated coffee (I mean, what’s the point?) and people who break their Kit Kat into two. The last one never struck a chord with me.